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A Quick Change

Reason #19 why I’m glad I’m not a parent yet: I freak out when I get bird shit on my car, I’m not sure what I’d do if I got human dookie on it. Texas

We’re Jammin’!

The family that jammies together stays together? That doesn’t sound right. Florida

Dream On

“You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.” Once again, when your kid is big enough to dunk a basketball, perhaps they are a little too old to be taking naps in a doggy bed at Walmart. Illinois

The Backwards Lincoln

It is at this point that I’d like to pose a simple question to all of you. How much would it take for you to do this for a week? For me, I’m gonna put it around $1,500. California & Texas

Daddy’s Weekend

No shit Sherlock. Did you think I was under the impression that those sad single mothers I throw dollar bills at somehow get pregnant via immaculate conception? Come on man, I’m not stupid, I can see the c-section scars. Ohio

Just The Nip

Need a little suckle off my zipple? Hmmm? Just little a nip off the zip? Yaaa you’re thirsty. Texas

May Cause Choking Hazard

It’s ironic, because they had to put a bag over your mother’s head to make you….and BOOM goes the dynamite! North Carolina

It’s Time To Go

Let me introduce you to Walmart’s other vision for America, SAM’s Club – where the quantities are larger and so are the parenting failures. Unknown

Baby Wally

Ok, so here is a story I’m not even creative enough to make up. Here is a pleasant photo of a woman giving birth in Walmart on Black Friday (because that is where every pregnant lady needs to be). Turns out she named the baby Wally, which I like because it’s a mix between Willy [...]